However us Mums, well we do have a lot in common. We know our truth; none of us know what we are doing, but we are all doing our best.
So this is for the new Mums or the Mums to be, five lessons learnt by me. From one anxious, bewildered, tired, shell-shocked new Mum to another.
Lesson One - Your Bits
Its a common saying that when you give birth you leave your dignity at the door. I thought they meant you huff and puff with your fanny out and then once its over, pop your knickers on and head out the door. You laugh and say "oh ha ha-I can't believe two midwives have seen my bits". However I discovered that by dignity, they mean that everything embarrassing you can think of to do with all your bits, (not just the bit you think), can and will happen. I was not prepared at all for the assault on my body that childbirth causes and the aftermath of eye-watering, red faced issues left behind. There is nothing like being told after a 52 hour ordeal, that you have a "crop" of piles. (Too much information? Sorry, I told you this blog would be honest). Piles, stitches, incontinence, shocking swelling down below and bleeding that goes on for weeks-were the added extras I got along with my baby.
Lesson learnt; Stock up from the embarrassing aisle of Boots, trust your body will heal and a sense of humour will get you through a lot.
Lesson Two - Mum Friends
I have talked about this before and it's something that I am very passionate about, mainly because for me the dark early days became brighter once I met others in the same boat. Sat in the doctors next to two other Mums, all of us tired and thoroughly confused by the talk on weaning, we started chatting. These chats lead to coffee, baby dates and now we have graduated to proscecco fuelled nights out. Now, I rely on these ladies and others I have met through being a Mum, more than they probably realise. No-one understands like they do, no-one is as interested as they are and we are navigating motherhood together. In those early days, talking through our births over and over again was like therapy and when I am finding Jude even more of mystery than normal, they are nearly always my first point of call. I am a huge fan of the "Mother Sisterhood" and grateful for the friendships I now have.
Lesson learnt; Mum friends are worth their weight in gold, find them and cherish them.
Lesson Three -Crying Is Normal
Before I had Jude I was warned about the baby blues, I expected a few tears (I'm emotional anyway) but nothing a bar of chocolate couldn't solve. About 3 days after having Jude, we were still in hospital and I was talking to a friend about what we had both been through. The night Jude was born he spent a very brief period of time in special care, I wasn't allowed to go with him and exhausted from the birth, I had fallen asleep. Whilst recounting this early separation from my poorly baby and what I believed to be breaking the first rule of being a Mum (no Mum sleeps while their baby is in Infant Special Care), the "baby blues" tears started. Except they weren't just tears, it was waves of anxiousness and a deep gut wrenching feeling of being out of control. These feelings continued once we were home and I started to not really "feel" like a Mum. This whole topic is something for another time, however what I have learnt is that feeling like that is very common in those early days. As you make this massive life adjustment, it will knock you. The amount of hormones pumping around your body don't help and it is completely understandable to cry, worry and not enjoy every second.
Lesson learnt; Crying and feeling you are a million miles away from the Mums you see on the Pampers advert is ok - talk about it and be kind to yourself.*
Lesson Four-Happy Mum, Happy Baby
As a new Mum, I was bombarded with advice-whether that was from the NHS, books, well meaning friends and family or my 3am googling. Some of this advice is solid gold....some is, well not. My point is, I've learnt that no-one knew Jude or had his best interests at heart more than me. Its kind of inbuilt in you as a Mum, your whole drive is to ensure they are happy and safe. Part of achieving that for him, was realising that I had to be happy and confident in my decisions. Everyone will tell you what is "best" but don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed or swayed.
Lesson learnt; Trust your instincts and do your research, then do what you feel is right.
Lesson Five - It Will Get Better
If you are a new mum surviving on 3 hours sleep, I am sure you probably want to punch those who say "It'll get easier" in the face. I remember being jealous of the Mums at baby groups whose babies were sitting up or happily munching on a bread stick, they seemed so far away from where I was at that moment. Months feel like decades in those early weeks. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that every struggle, every pulling your hair out phase, every nightmare night- it passes. So many people said to me in those early weeks that it would get easier and that I would start to settle into a pattern, but I couldn't see it. I can't say it has got easier, but I don't have the same panic as I did and I am learning to "go with it" more and more. Even now as I am preparing for Jude's 1st birthday, I can't quite believe how much we have grown together.
Lesson learnt; Motherhood is a moving target and you learn to move along with it.
So there you have it, five lessons learnt from those bleary eyed early weeks. I am sure I have thousands more to go....
* I want to be clear I'm not talking about post-natal depression here. If that is happening or has happened to you, I am no where near qualified to give advice so I won't even try. But from one Mum to another, talk to those who love you and take all the support you can xx
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