Saturday 30 April 2016

The Good, the Bad and the poo covered Ugly...an Introduction


My son, Jude, arrived 15 days late on the 26th May 2015. I imagined giving birth to the Sound of Music soundtrack, taking a few ladylike puffs on the gas and air before "popping" him out to the emotional music featured on One Born Every Minute. I would lay angelically in my new dressing gown, surrounded by proud friends and family exclaiming "you make it look so easy", whilst I updated my Facebook status. Once home, my gorgeous little son would sleep through the night (I did, so I was 100% convinced he would do the same) and I would really carry on about my business as before. Oh and of course, I was "all bump", so I would be back in my jeans in no time. And finally, babies cry (no big deal, I will ignore/tell him not too) and it DEFINITELY will not change me as a person. 

I think you can probably tell where this is going..... 

Needless to say, this was not my experience. In fact, let us take those comments one by one. 

I listened to the first few seconds of my "birth play list" and told Mr J (my long suffering husband) to "turn that shit off". As a lifelong fan of Sound of Music-Julie, I am sorry. My birth was long, incredibly clinical and gas and air didn't touch the sides. I enquired about the music from One Born Every Minute...turns out midwives don't find this funny. I did wear my dressing gown, but my catheter bag broke and it got covered in wee. My friends and family were proud, but I think actually more shell shocked and relieved-I certainly did not make it look easy. I did update my facebook status-yay. Sleeping through the night-just no. 

The part about carrying on my business as before saddens me, as I really did have no idea. Looking back I was woefully unprepared for the emotional impact having a baby. Those early days were dark and the memories of waves of tears and anxiousness still take my breath away now. "Carrying on as before" is not possible. 

Those who said I was "all bump" are liars, as getting back into my jeans is an on-going saga. Yes babies do cry, but annoyingly you are hardwired to respond to them (I have tried to ignore my whinging son at 5.30am...impossible) and they are also not robots...also annoying. 

Not changing as a person is a funny one...I work hard to remain myself. It is easy to become lost in the world of feeding, sleeping, naps, what my amazing baby did today...there is certainly an audience for those conversations and it is not everyone. It is important to prioritise your friends, family, your husband and most importantly, you. When you are a slave to a chubby small dictator, having head space to do what defines you as a person is hard, but I am learning everyday it is so very important. However, I am forever changed by becoming a Mum. I don't think that is necessarily bad though. I feel much deeper than I did before (and I was always a cryer), I can't bear mistreatment of any kind and I have very little tolerance for nonsense. But I am accutely aware that I cannot be the Rach pre Jude. I have someone solely reliant on me, so even if he is being looked after by his array of adoring fans, he is at the forefront of my mind. I think I can't "let go" as I did before, because there is always someone holding on to me.  

So why I am telling the Internet all of this. First and foremost, my little baby is turning one this month. His life is going quick, too quick and I don't want to forget a second. Even the times where I want to put him in the bin. However there is a bigger reason. I want to add my voice to the thousands of conversations happening in coffee shops, or parent and toddler groups, over Whassap or at the doctors. All of those honest conversations about the reality of parenthood- the good, the bad and the poo covered ugly. I hope that by being an "open book", it will encourage others to do the same.  This, I expect, will become a theme of this blog-I am passionate about being honest with other Mums. I think knowing you are not alone in your feelings is what every new Mum needs etched into her mind and soul. I am grateful for my "motherhood sisters" who got alongside me both in the early days and now, speaking truth and encouragement and I will seek to do the same wherever I can.




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