You Are Ma

Last week Jude turned one and as expected I was full of happy tears, pride and birthday cake. I was on a "parenting high"...soppy Facebook status...the lot. It was a wonderful few days, filled with special moments of wonder at how far we had both come. 

Happy Families...themed birthday party...of course.

Then this week happened; overtiredness, teething, a cold, broken nights sleep, breadsticks being lobbed across the floor...all the good stuff.

One of the only photos I have of a meltdown...I vow to take more....

This week I have struggled. There have been no Instagram pictures or special moments of wonder. Instead lots of gritted teeth and tears of frustration-from us both. It seems to be a kind of parenting "sods law" that one week of "oh I just llloooovvvveeeeeee being a parent", is followed by a week of hell. Last week I felt like super mum, this week I have felt at times like the world's worst mum. When everything you do for them is wrong. The days are filled with silent mouth opened screams, that quickly turn into floods of tears. You give up with offering vegetables and mutter "fine...biscuits for tea". We've all had that moment of thinking "I don't think I'm cut out for this".

This weekend I watched Room, the film Brie Larson won her Oscar for. Without spoiling it for anyone, it is about a mother (Joy) and her son (Jack, 5) who live in one room. It transpires that they are held captive and that Jack has in fact been born into this situation, knowing nothing about the real world outside. The bond between mother and son had me sobbing into my fajitas, but a conversation at the end really affected me. Joy says to Jack "I'm not a very good Ma to you", and Jack says "But you are Ma". She is Jack's world, his safe place, his Mother.

I look at my own amazing Mother and think she is incredible, I have nothing but pure love and respect for her. However, I am sure she had her moments where she felt out of her depth or like she was getting it all wrong (she says the teenage stage floored her...I blame that more on my sister!). So why is it that knowing all this I am so harsh on myself? Why am I unable to see myself through Jude's eyes?

There is no one in this world that loves or wants the best for him more than me. Even in the dark moments, through all the frustrations and difficult days I give him everything. I am his "Ma" and no one could do that job other than me.

So this is for all you Mums out there, hear this affirmation: you are the perfect Mum for your child. Never doubt that or belittle it in your mind.

Nonetheless, here's hoping for a better week.....