Five Lessons Learnt from one New-ish Mum to Another

I hate giving baby advice, no matter how hard you try you always sound smug and at the end of the day, the truth universally acknowledged is that every one is different.

However us Mums, well we do have a lot in common. We know our truth; none of us know what we are doing, but we are all doing our best.

So this is for the new Mums or the Mums to be, five lessons learnt by me. From one anxious, bewildered, tired, shell-shocked new Mum to another.


Lesson One - Your Bits

Its a common saying that when you give birth you leave your dignity at the door. I thought they meant you huff and puff with your fanny out and then once its over, pop your knickers on and head out the door. You laugh and say "oh ha ha-I can't believe two midwives have seen my bits". However I discovered that by dignity, they mean that everything embarrassing you can think of to do with all your bits, (not just the bit you think), can and will happen. I was not prepared at all for the assault on my body that childbirth causes and the aftermath of eye-watering, red faced issues left behind. There is nothing like being told after a 52 hour ordeal, that you have a "crop" of piles. (Too much information? Sorry, I told you this blog would be honest). Piles, stitches, incontinence, shocking swelling down below and bleeding that goes on for weeks-were the added extras I got along with my baby.

Lesson learnt; Stock up from the embarrassing aisle of Boots, trust your body will heal and a sense of humour will get you through a lot.

Lesson Two - Mum Friends

I have talked about this before and it's something that I am very passionate about, mainly because for me the dark early days became brighter once I met others in the same boat. Sat in the doctors next to two other Mums, all of us tired and thoroughly confused by the talk on weaning, we started chatting. These chats lead to coffee, baby dates and now we have graduated to proscecco fuelled nights out. Now, I rely on these ladies and others I have met through being a Mum, more than they probably realise. No-one understands like they do, no-one is as interested as they are and we are navigating motherhood together. In those early days, talking through our births over and over again was like therapy and when I am finding Jude even more of mystery than normal, they are nearly always my first point of call. I am a huge fan of the "Mother Sisterhood" and grateful for the friendships I now have.

Lesson learnt; Mum friends are worth their weight in gold, find them and cherish them. 

Lesson Three -Crying Is Normal

Before I had Jude I was warned about the baby blues, I expected a few tears (I'm emotional anyway) but nothing a bar of chocolate couldn't solve. About 3 days after having Jude, we were still in hospital and I was talking to a friend about what we had both been through. The night Jude was born he spent a very brief period of time in special care, I wasn't allowed to go with him and exhausted from the birth, I had fallen asleep. Whilst recounting this early separation from my poorly baby and what I believed to be breaking the first rule of being a Mum (no Mum sleeps while their baby is in Infant Special Care), the "baby blues" tears started. Except they weren't just tears, it was waves of anxiousness and a deep gut wrenching feeling of being out of control. These feelings continued once we were home and I started to not really "feel" like a Mum. This whole topic is something for another time, however what I have learnt is that feeling like that is very common in those early days. As you make this massive life adjustment, it will knock you. The amount of hormones pumping around your body don't help and it is completely understandable to cry, worry and not enjoy every second.

Lesson learnt; Crying and feeling you are a million miles away from the Mums you see on the Pampers advert is ok - talk about it and be kind to yourself.*

Lesson Four-Happy Mum, Happy Baby

As a new Mum, I was bombarded with advice-whether that was from the NHS, books, well meaning friends and family or my 3am googling. Some of this advice is solid gold....some is, well not. My point is, I've learnt that no-one knew Jude or had his best interests at heart more than me. Its kind of inbuilt in you as a Mum, your whole drive is to ensure they are happy and safe. Part of achieving that for him, was realising that I had to be happy and confident in my decisions. Everyone will tell you what is "best" but don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed or swayed.

Lesson learnt; Trust your instincts and do your research, then do what you feel is right.

Lesson Five - It Will Get Better

If you are a new mum surviving on 3 hours sleep, I am sure you probably want to punch those who say "It'll get easier" in the face. I remember being jealous of the Mums at baby groups whose babies were sitting up or happily munching on a bread stick, they seemed so far away from where I was at that moment. Months feel like decades in those early weeks. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that every struggle, every pulling your hair out phase, every nightmare night- it passes. So many people said to me in those early weeks that it would get easier and that I would start to settle into a pattern, but I couldn't see it. I can't say it has got easier, but I don't have the same panic as I did and I am learning to "go with it" more and more. Even now as I am preparing for Jude's 1st birthday, I can't quite believe how much we have grown together.

Lesson learnt; Motherhood is a moving target and you learn to move along with it.

So there you have it, five lessons learnt from those bleary eyed early weeks. I am sure I have thousands more to go.... 


* I want to be clear I'm not talking about post-natal depression here. If that is happening or has happened to you, I am no where near qualified to give advice so I won't even try. But from one Mum to another, talk to those who love you and take all the support you can xx

The Good, the Bad and the poo covered Ugly...an Introduction

My son, Jude, arrived 15 days late on the 26th May 2015. I imagined giving birth to the Sound of Music soundtrack, taking a few ladylike puffs on the gas and air before "popping" him out to the emotional music featured on One Born Every Minute. I would lay angelically in my new dressing gown, surrounded by proud friends and family exclaiming "you make it look so easy", whilst I updated my Facebook status. Once home, my gorgeous little son would sleep through the night (I did, so I was 100% convinced he would do the same) and I would really carry on about my business as before. Oh and of course, I was "all bump", so I would be back in my jeans in no time. And finally, babies cry (no big deal, I will ignore/tell him not too) and it DEFINITELY will not change me as a person. 

I think you can probably tell where this is going..... 

Needless to say, this was not my experience. In fact, let us take those comments one by one. 

I listened to the first few seconds of my "birth play list" and told Mr J (my long suffering husband) to "turn that shit off". As a lifelong fan of Sound of Music-Julie, I am sorry. My birth was long, incredibly clinical and gas and air didn't touch the sides. I enquired about the music from One Born Every Minute...turns out midwives don't find this funny. I did wear my dressing gown, but my catheter bag broke and it got covered in wee. My friends and family were proud, but I think actually more shell shocked and relieved-I certainly did not make it look easy. I did update my facebook status-yay. Sleeping through the night-just no. 

The part about carrying on my business as before saddens me, as I really did have no idea. Looking back I was woefully unprepared for the emotional impact having a baby. Those early days were dark and the memories of waves of tears and anxiousness still take my breath away now. "Carrying on as before" is not possible. 

Those who said I was "all bump" are liars, as getting back into my jeans is an on-going saga. Yes babies do cry, but annoyingly you are hardwired to respond to them (I have tried to ignore my whinging son at 5.30am...impossible) and they are also not robots...also annoying. 

Not changing as a person is a funny one...I work hard to remain myself. It is easy to become lost in the world of feeding, sleeping, naps, what my amazing baby did today...there is certainly an audience for those conversations and it is not everyone. It is important to prioritise your friends, family, your husband and most importantly, you. When you are a slave to a chubby small dictator, having head space to do what defines you as a person is hard, but I am learning everyday it is so very important. However, I am forever changed by becoming a Mum. I don't think that is necessarily bad though. I feel much deeper than I did before (and I was always a cryer), I can't bear mistreatment of any kind and I have very little tolerance for nonsense. But I am accutely aware that I cannot be the Rach pre Jude. I have someone solely reliant on me, so even if he is being looked after by his array of adoring fans, he is at the forefront of my mind. I think I can't "let go" as I did before, because there is always someone holding on to me.  

So why I am telling the Internet all of this. First and foremost, my little baby is turning one this month. His life is going quick, too quick and I don't want to forget a second. Even the times where I want to put him in the bin. However there is a bigger reason. I want to add my voice to the thousands of conversations happening in coffee shops, or parent and toddler groups, over Whassap or at the doctors. All of those honest conversations about the reality of parenthood- the good, the bad and the poo covered ugly. I hope that by being an "open book", it will encourage others to do the same.  This, I expect, will become a theme of this blog-I am passionate about being honest with other Mums. I think knowing you are not alone in your feelings is what every new Mum needs etched into her mind and soul. I am grateful for my "motherhood sisters" who got alongside me both in the early days and now, speaking truth and encouragement and I will seek to do the same wherever I can.